The importance of validation.

Miscarriage Moms For Life believes that there are things beyond man’s wisdom. There are things we, as humans, cannot grasp with our intellect. Unfortunately, when we experience these things and try to share them with others, we are often met with unbelief, a cold shoulder, criticism, etc. We do not get validated. The importance of our children to us does not get validated. The importance of validation can be seen by the effects of its absence.

We don’t feel validated when…
• Medical…

Read our book, Other Side Of Grief, for additional information.

• Abortive…

Read our book, Other Side Of Grief, for information on this point.

• We are afraid of being labeled as crazy for sharing the uniqueness of our children. Some of us have learned things about our children (whether through dreams, microchimerism (read Life Affirming Microchimerism), intuition, etc.) that we would love to share (read Personhood Stories). —who doesn’t like to talk about their children? —but we are intimidated into silence by the lack of scientific ways to prove our knowledge.
• We are belittled or demeaned for grieving a child we may have only known about for a few days. That specific child—no matter how long he or she lived, is deeply loved by us and can never be replaced.

Hence, the importance of validation.

 

 

 

 

 

When we are validated...
• Instead of isolation, we feel a sense of acceptance, understanding, and belonging.
• Instead of shame, we feel heard and respected.
• Instead of worthless, we feel valued and loved.
• Instead of fear, we feel like we can trust you with our feelings, our hearts, and our souls.

Suggestions for validating us include…
• Being there for us with a nonjudgmental ear.
• Reflecting our feelings back to us in an understanding way.
• Remembering silence is golden if you are unsure what to say. But a heartfelt “I can’t imagine how you feel” or “My heart goes out to you” or similar helps.
• Genuinely weeping with us in empathy (read Importance of Funeral Rituals).

Grief can be an isolating time, and child loss is painful. Minimizing the significance or reality of our loss, perhaps because we were the only ones who experienced our child’s life, sends us the wrong message. But it helps when we believe that others do care about us and about our children. Validating their lives as important helps us in our grief process and opens up ways for us to grieve and heal in healthier ways.

 

Attend a Miscarriage Moms For Life memorial for more on this topic, or read our book, Other Side Of Grief. Find more validation in reading our book, When Unborn Babies Speak.

 

 

 

Life-affirming Microchimerism

I have things that God has shown me that I can’t explain. They’re from God. They’d line up with scripture. God is the giver of life. They’re very life affirming from the beginning. And I can’t explain them with scientific proof to my knowledge.

But there’s microchimerism, a feto-maternal cell transfer (read more in Fetomaternal Cell Transference), of some sort that takes place shortly after the new DNA is formed. It takes place and like an elite squad—think navy seals, delta force, or big guns—some cells cross into the mother’s blood system.

 

 

 

 

 

Inside the mother’s blood system, they travel to the mother’s brain. They access their mother’s—their host’s—brain. They check it out. Brain to brain communication because the control panel of the baby starts to form almost instantly. Why not? It kinda makes sense. If the DNA are the blueprints, a central command unit is a logical place to start so that those blueprints can be carried out.

Anyway, the control panel, the brain of the baby communicates with the brain of the mother, and the brain of the baby is…

Read more about microchimerism in When Unborn Babies Speak. Explore how this helps to justify the grief over your pregnancy loss in Other Side Of Grief.

…need to know?

 

And I think at that point the mother that’s tuned in to her body becomes aware that something’s different. The mother that’s tuned into her body starts developing that maternal instinct. (Read examples in Personhood Stories.) But anyway, some of these are just thoughts, and science is only partially available for confirmation.

 

Fetal cells do…

Read more on this subject in When Unborn Babies Speak.

…confirm in our lifetimes. Yet this life-affirming microchimerism provides an interesting theory as to what I experienced.

This article is more fully developed in our book, When Unborn Babies Speak. To find out more, look for the book in print or ebook on Amazon or Amazon Smile, where you may designate Miscarriage Moms For Life as the charity to receive funds from Amazon with each purchase.

Find ways to deal with your grief in our book, Other Side Of Grief.

 

Book Review – A Child Is Born

[A Child Is Born, Lennart Nilsson and Lars Hamberger, September 2003, published by Bantam Dell, translated by Linda Schenk, ISBN: 978-0-385-33754-0]

 

I first stumbled across this gem in a library and later ordered a copy for myself. I value its scientific data, timelines, and pictures of various gestational developmental stages [and even hormones, seen below with the quote from page 85]. CAUTION-The first parts of A Child Is Born especially show TMI, in my opinion, yet the rest is well-worth (again in my opinion) overlooking those earlier images. Here are just a few of the many quotes I value from this book.

Page 86 “…the primitive brain begins to form…and the spinal cord starts to form. On approximately the fifteenth day in the life of the embryo, the first primitive nerve cells…are formed.” [The picture above reminds me of what was left of my son by the time I finally attempted to snap a photo of his degraded body.]

Page 97 “…the brain and the spinal cord will emit signals to all the muscles in the body. . .and information will be returned to the brain via the spinal cord. . .. This signaling system begins to operate fully when the embryo is six or seven weeks old. . .. Thus an entire nerve structure serving our senses is constructed very early in life indeed.”

Page 62 “The nuclei [from the male now inside the egg and from the female] are drawn inexorably toward each other, and when they meet, they fuse. At that moment a unique genetic code, a human embryo, is created.”

Page 65 “The new individual is a product of its parents, with some genetic material from the mother and some from the father. . .. Many people define this as the moment life begins.”

Page 85 “As early as about ten days after fertilization, the level of progesterone…in the blood rises dramatically. Many women feel this change distinctly. A woman’s breasts become tender, even more so than prior to menstruation, and some morning nausea is not unusual. Inside the womb the embryo has just been implanted in the uterine lining, entering into an intimate alliance with the mother…” [The picture above reminds me of what he allowed me to see through his eyes. Also, read Fetomaternal Cell Transference and Life Affirming Microchimerism.]

 
Continue reading...

Page 86 “On approximately the fifteenth day in the life of the embryo, the first primitive nerve cells, which in time will govern bodily functions and provide the spark of consciousness, are formed. Some consider this to be the point when life begins, since from these nerve cells the brain and consciousness will eventually be built. Without nerve cells there would be neither expression nor impression, and thus the emergence and death of the brain can be seen as the beginning and the end of life.”

Page 86 “At the beginning of week 5 of pregnancy, the embryo is just a few millimeters…long, and its curved body is soft and transparent. Along the length of its body runs a nerve tube, and the brain has just begun to form at the head end…”

Page 93 “The heart begins to develop when the embryo is still but a cluster of cells, and as early as its twenty-second day the newly formed heart muscle cells contract, and the heart beats for the very first time….At this stage the heart already has two chambers (ventricles) and is so large that it almost seems to be outside the rest of the body….The heartbeat of the embryo is very rapid, nearly twice that of the mother, and can easily be heard even with very simple listening devices. Heart rate is one of the most reliable ways of knowing how the fetus is faring.”

Page 96 “[At 28 days,] we see the whole vertebral column, running down from the neck to where the legs will be.” [The embryo measures 6 mm at this point.]

Page 97 “The vertebrae must not fuse—if they did, the backbone could not bend. Elastic tissue and muscles will hold the vertebrae together and gradually steady the backbone.”

Page 97 “Now we see the eyes, nose and mouth—a developing face…” [at 30 days, the embryo measures 7 mm].

Page 100 “When the embryo is about six weeks old, its appearance begins to change…it now begins to look like a miniature human being…” [at 39 days, the embryo measures 12 mm].

Page 101 [Caption header reads “Jumping for joy.”] “Even this early in pregnancy, the embryo is extremely lively, in constant motion, sleeping for only brief periods…” (Read Personhood Stories and Isaac’s Personhood Story.)

Page 101 “The embryo has…begun to move: the first “visible” motion is the rapid, steady beating of the heart, but soon small bodily movements show that nerve impulses coming from the brain are instructing muscles to contract. These begin as global motions, affecting the whole body, but gradually specific little movements take place…. This constant motion is important, stimulating normal growth and development of the muscles and joints.”

Page 103 “[As] early as seven to eight weeks after the woman’s last menstrual period, [5-6 weeks conception] the placenta produces all the necessary hormones; the ovaries are no longer needed for that purpose. Hormone production by the placenta is essential for the normal continuation of pregnancy and for the fetus to develop ‘according to plan.’”

Page 108 “When the tenth week of pregnancy begins (fifty-six days after fertilization), the embryonic stage is over. The heart has been beating for a month, and the muscles of the torso, arms, and legs have begun to exercise. All the organs are in place, although they are still small and immature and far from coordinated in their functions. The embryo, now referred to as the fetus, has passed its first test with flying colors and will go on developing until it is ready to be born.”

Page 109 “The placenta, which has spread across specific sections of the uterine lining, has taken over production of all the hormones needed to keep the fetus comfortable and developing properly. The progesterone-producing function of the ovaries is now concluded.”

 

Article Review – Womb Twin Survivors

 

  

 

 
 

Womb Twin Survivors https://www.wombtwin.com/stories/4578414101

I read this article after seeing the website referenced on the blurb for Untwinned: Perspectives on the Death of a Twin Before Birth by Althea Hayton. When I read the stories from the survivors, I knew I had to share this, as it testifies to our prenatal experiences. [Read Life Affirming Microchimerism and Fetomaternal Cell Transference.]

Though my experiences are from a different angle—and I do not directly relate to theirs—my heart reaches out to them, and I hope that they may find healing (and additional validation from our book and other material from Miscarriage Moms For Life). If some of my favorite quotes below piques your interest, I encourage you to read the full stories of the womb twin survivors, and, if this affects you, consider using our services to help memorialize your lost sibling.

“…I don’t really remember HOW I found out about my womb twin, but I know it was a young age. … I really have always felt like I was missing something. … My twin is a part of me …. I have a twin, a sister, her name would have been Allison….”

“I always…knew I was a twin. …I told people I had an unborn brother. …He was real. …my mom said he was “lost” after 9 weeks of pregnancy …. I keep dreaming about him….”

Click to continue reading more affirming stories...

“…I always felt I should have had a twin brother. …when I was born, the midwife said that there had been two babies conceived but that only one had survived. … deep down I feel a loss which I have never been able to fulfil. … I know this feeling of loss is the absence of my twin. …”

“My twin Bruce died at birth and I was always searching for something as a small child. …I probably was looking for him.…I’ve always missed him, especially on our birthday. Losing a twin is like losing a part of me…”

“…I was a twin, but the twin had died a week before I was born. …My mom also told me that when I was a kid I always use to beg for a twin and or a brother (my twin was a brother and I was 2 seconds older.) …”

“My favorite childhood fantasy was finding out I had a twin. …My mother thought she had miscarried me at around 12 weeks when she experienced cramping and bleeding. …I feel the loss of her every day. How that is possible when I was only a tiny embryo at the time I don’t know. I just know the feeling of loss and endless curiosity is real.”

“My brother was stillborn at 2 lbs and I was 2.5 lbs, born at the same time 2 months premature.…I would like to name my brother and to find out what I have missed. …Thanks for giving me this opportunity to find out I am not weird.”

“I had an identical twin sister in the womb, but…she died approximately 3 months before we were due to be born. … throughout my childhood I had an imaginary friend whom I pretended was my “twin sister…. she has no name, though my mother once told me I could give her a name if I wanted. …”

“I found out my twin was stillborn. …I always felt my twin was a girl …. I felt my mother had given me two names hyphenated because my twin was a girl…”

“When I was younger, I always wanted a brother and it was something I would beg my parents for….my mum told me I was a twin but he died before being born. …Sometimes when I was younger I used to dream that there was a boy with a cloud like thing around him and he would comfort me. … He would have been called Niall or Connor….”

“I…have always felt incomplete. …I…asked my mother about the time around my birth. She confessed she been forced to abort and realised she was pregnant soon after. I asked her…if there was any chance I may have been a twin. She turned pale and asked me, “Why do you say that?” She had thought this too, but had given up on the notion. I wonder if in fact I had a womb twin that was killed and I survived somehow….”

“My identical twin sister was stillborn. I have always known I am a twin….”

And, from another page [Families] on their site:“The science of pre-birth psychology is now well-established and we can be sure that our time in the womb does much to shape our personality in born life. Womb twin survivors are a particularly interesting case in point.”

Our Memorial and our book, When Unborn Babies Speak, may bring you some additional comfort.

 

Article Review – 7 Ways to Bond With Preborn Baby

7 Ways to Bond With Preborn Baby on Ask Dr. Sears

Sometimes research takes us down interesting and unexpected paths. This article is just one of many of those paths, and, as you read some of my favorite quotes from it, I hope you will agree. Though I feel their development occurs much faster and much earlier than what is discussed in the article, I encourage you to read the entire article for yourself, as your time allows.

“New research supports what mothers have long believed, that babies in the womb hear what’s going on outside. Even more intriguing, there is evidence that babies may share in their mothers’ emotions.”

“In the past twenty-five years the new field of prenatal psychology has sprung up. Using new technology, prenatal psychologists have used various windows to the womb and have found.. . .[w]hen mother is happy, baby is happy; when mother is anxious, baby is too.”

“Babies seem agitated by rock music, kicking violently when they hear it and are calmed by classical music. . .. In one study, kicking babies calmed to the sounds of Vivaldi but became agitated in response to Beethoven.”

“Studies also show that a six-month-old fetus can move his body to the rhythm of his mother’s speech. Perhaps most astounding, you can bond with your unborn baby so closely that they can be taught when to kick.” [Read Article Review_The First Ache.]

“. . . a preborn baby. . . can perceive different tastes and sights. Add sweetener to the amniotic fluid and the fetal gourmet doubles his rate of swallowing; add a sour substance and baby slows his swallowing.”

“Even as early as the fourth month baby frowns, squints and grimaces in response to experimentally produced outside stimuli.”

“At five months the fetus can startle in response to a light blinking at mother’s abdomen.”

“Can a fetus form attitudes about life even before birth? Prenatal psychologists claim yes.”

“Prenatal researchers believe that there is indeed some connection between what you think and how your baby feels. . .”

Continue reading...

“Studies relating maternal attitudes to the emotional development of the offspring do indeed reveal a tendency for anxious mothers to produce anxious babies. They also show that mothers who resented being pregnant and felt no attachment to their babies were more likely to have children who had emotional problems. Mothers with less anxious pregnancies, whose babies were wanted and loved, tended to have emotionally healthy children.” [Read Article Review_The Three Faces of Adoptees.]

“. . .major emotional disturbances and unresolved stresses throughout the pregnancy, make it harder to bond with your unborn baby and lead to an emotionally troubled child. Extreme maternal distress even poses a risk of hurting baby physically, as it has been linked with increased risk of prematurity and low birth weight.”

“Researchers believe that a stressed mother produces an abundance of stress hormones called catecholamines, which have been shown to, in turn, affect emotions. . .. Scientists theorize that these chemical stressors cross the placenta and “frighten” the developing nervous system. If it happens often enough, the fetus actually gets used to feeling chronically stressed. His system is prepared to overreact to stimuli. Babies who are born with an already overcharged and possibly disturbed nervous system show more emotional disturbances and gastrointestinal upsets, which will earn this baby the label ‘colicky.’” [Read Life Affirming Microchimerism and Fetomaternal Cell Transference.]

“Take reasonable measures to rid your life of tension, take time to rest and revel in positive emotions as you bond with your unborn baby. . .. Do whatever you can to bond with your unborn baby to be sure your baby gets the best emotional start. Remember that emotions, positive or negative, are more intense during pregnancy. Resolve stresses quickly, in a positive fashion; seek professional help if necessary. Talk to, sing to and share affectionate thoughts with your baby.”

“Dr. Chopra rhapsodizes about the start of the amazing journey that is the relationship between a parent and a child: “A single-cell embryo divides only fifty times to become one hundred trillion cells, which is more than all the stars in the Milky Way galaxy.” Once your baby is born, all the cells in both of your bodies act in secret synchronicity to create those simple but incredible connections between the two of you. But despite all of the science involved, it’s the power of your love — pure and simple — that can protect your child . . . to her benefit.”